Friends after the break up??

[MaulFan]

This is an interesting question as I've been going through this for the past year.

I was actually ready to marry my girlfriend and it fizzled out. Unfortunately, it wasn't like either one did anything to force a break up, things just had run their natural course and there was no road left on that path for us and time to go separate ways. I still talk with her and consider myself her friend. I like to think I've moved on from her, but I haven't had any luck starting a new relationship, something I consider to be the final piece in really being able to move on, having someone else to occupy your heart. It hasn't been easy being her friend, but at the same time, I can't imagine totally cutting her out of my life either because of how much she meant to me and she's done me no wrong, just doesn't feel as I do. There have been a few moments where old habbits have kicked in with her which doesn't help matters, but I could easily do that myself. Thankfully, I don't see her in my day to day, so whoever she may be spending time with I don't have to know about because it tears me up inside to think of someone else being in the position I once was, can't imagine actually knowing someone was.

I guess what it boils down to are what the circumstances of the breakup were, how much the other person means to you, and whether or not you both can put your "relationship" ways behind you and interact with each other purely as friends.

Really, if their friendship is something you want, it's worth a try and worst case is you find it doesn't work and you move on, but if the situation is one that would allow you to try to be friends but you don't at least explore that, I think it might leave you with some regrets.

 

[Wetanut]

From a gurl's POV (albeit no longer a gurl, but female with a bit of living behind me):

1. You should not have told your new flame the extent of your intimacy with the ex....at least not yet. Of course she's a bit insecure. You see, you and your ex have a shared history and your new flame hasn't had a chance to establish one with you. She probably would have taken the info better if you'd given it a little more time first, AFTER you've shown her by deeds that SHE is now the center of your life. If she's a smart and mature woman, she'll be able to adjust to the new info then.

2. With all due respect, I disagree with those who feel that NObody has the right to tell you what friends you can have. A significant other can request that certain people not be a part of your life. That other, for whatever reason, is uncomfortable with the person or situation. Why would you want to subject that person to it if you cared about her and had any respect for her feelings and opinions? To tell her that you WILL see and will be friends with whomever you damned well please just reaffirms to the girl that she really doesn't matter and that you're choosing your ex over her. And, maybe you're giving her the signal (even unintentionally) that, in fact, she DOESN'T mean all that much to you. In light of that, of course she's insecure.

3. On the other hand, if she's a bit too demanding of your time and dictating your life (usually these types don't stop at making demands about just past girlfriends), then perhaps you might want to reassess what attracted you to this girl in the first place and act accordingly. She's TOO insecure to deal with on a long-term basis.

4. Yes, I believe you CAN have a friendship with an ex....but I've not seen many that were successful. You need to be sure that your ex is also not flexing her muscle and influence as a past girlfriend to remind YOU of what she used to mean to you. Then your ex is insecure.

just some things to chew on.....

 

[pixletwin]

From a gurl's POV (albeit no longer a gurl, but female with a bit of living behind me):

1. You should not have told your new flame the extent of your intimacy with the ex....at least not yet. Of course she's a bit insecure. You see, you and your ex have a shared history and your new flame hasn't had a chance to establish one with you. She probably would have taken the info better if you'd given it a little more time first, AFTER you've shown her by deeds that SHE is now the center of your life. If she's a smart and mature woman, she'll be able to adjust to the new info then.

2. With all due respect, I disagree with those who feel that NObody has the right to tell you what friends you can have. A significant other can request that certain people not be a part of your life. That other, for whatever reason, is uncomfortable with the person or situation. Why would you want to subject that person to it if you cared about her and had any respect for her feelings and opinions? To tell her that you WILL see and will be friends with whomever you damned well please just reaffirms to the girl that she really doesn't matter and that you're choosing your ex over her. And, maybe you're giving her the signal (even unintentionally) that, in fact, she DOESN'T mean all that much to you. In light of that, of course she's insecure.

3. On the other hand, if she's a bit too demanding of your time and dictating your life (usually these types don't stop at making demands about just past girlfriends), then perhaps you might want to reassess what attracted you to this girl in the first place and act accordingly.

4. Yes, I believe you CAN have a friendship with an ex....but I've not seen many that were successful. You need to be sure that your ex is also not flexing her muscle and influence as a past girlfriend to remind YOU of what she used to mean to you.

just some things to chew on.....

Way too much maturity for this forum.

 

[Vader AL]

i don't think i've ever stayed "friends" with an ex, sure i've seen some in passing out on the town or at a restaurant and said "hey"...but now that I think about it, why would i want to....to talk about shopping, boys, clothes, my feelings?? I think not.

 

[Darth Loki]

i don't think i've ever stayed "friends" with an ex, sure i've seen some in passing out on the town or at a restaurant and said "hey"...but now that I think about it, why would i want to....to talk about shopping, boys, clothes, my feelings?? I think not.

You obviously aren't dating the right females. Try moving out of the teens

Older women is where it's at

 

[Vader AL]

You obviously aren't dating the right females. Try moving out of the teens

Older women is where it's at

women still talk about that stuff, i have to listen to it at work and it's all age groups...of course i was overexaggerating a bit.

 

[Shai]

Staying friends with exxx is not only recommended, its a necessity.I'm still having great sex with girls who were my girlfriends 10 years ago.The dumb move was telling your new girlfriend she was your ex.

 

[Darth Loki]

women still talk about that stuff, i have to listen to it at work and it's all age groups...of course i was overexaggerating a bit.

I refuse to hang out with anyone that I don't have common interests with. Whether it be collecting, gaming, drinking, it doesn't matter. If we can't talk about anything and everything, there's no chance for a relationship. Being friends and being able to hang out is an important part of any relationship. One of the great things me and Jen have going is that we'll be on our 20th date before we meet. We're forced to build our relationship around a friendship and then all the fun stuff comes later

 

[scubasteve]

Given some time and separation, I would say yes, you could resume a meaningful friendship somewhere down the road.

But to continue a relationship immediately would very likely lead to problems. Just give it some time.

(I would probably be uncomfortable as well if I was the new gal.)

I agree! Time is key.

 

[Grange Wallis]

alright so here is a serious question. do you guys think its possible for a couple to remain friends after they break up??? reason i'm asking is because i recently broke up with my girlfriend, but since we were friends for quite a while before dating we wanted to divert back to the friend status. now i recently started talking to another lady and things were going well.... until she found out that i still hung out with my ex on a regular basis (as friends none of that perverted stuff). she freaked out and said she didn't want to continue seeing me while i still kept in contact with my ex. am i asking for something that is impossible??? is the new lady overreacting??? should i just stick to my comics and video games???

I think she (new gf) is be a little over the top. And I do think you can be friends with ex's, but you have to only refer to them as friends not as ex's to the new girlfriend/s. You can tell them that you had a little thing with them at one stage, but it worked out better just being friends.

Also, not to be negative. Is it possible the new girl might want out and is just using friendship with an ex-girlfriend as an excuse?

 

[galactiboy]

2. With all due respect, I disagree with those who feel that NObody has the right to tell you what friends you can have. A significant other can request that certain people not be a part of your life. That other, for whatever reason, is uncomfortable with the person or situation. Why would you want to subject that person to it if you cared about her and had any respect for her feelings and opinions? To tell her that you WILL see and will be friends with whomever you damned well please just reaffirms to the girl that she really doesn't matter and that you're choosing your ex over her. And, maybe you're giving her the signal (even unintentionally) that, in fact, she DOESN'T mean all that much to you. In light of that, of course she's insecure.

3. On the other hand, if she's a bit too demanding of your time and dictating your life (usually these types don't stop at making demands about just past girlfriends), then perhaps you might want to reassess what attracted you to this girl in the first place and act accordingly. She's TOO insecure to deal with on a long-term basis.

Good points and I think the 2 and 3 really sum up the conflict. It is normal for people to be somewhat insecure about past lovers and what-not... but there is a line at which it crosses from okay to not being okay. And that's a pretty personal decision.

Although I do have to disagree that a person can dictate who you can and can't be around. Nothing wrong with expressing the feeling, but putting down a mandate is difficult and usually (especially early on) a sign of controlling and manipulative behavior. Sometimes you see it actually used as a means to isolate a partner in extreme cases.

So to me the wa I look at it is you have to have healthy boundaries in a relationship and know what is your personal limit when it comes to making compromises.

 

[Darth Caedus]

2. With all due respect, I disagree with those who feel that NObody has the right to tell you what friends you can have. A significant other can request that certain people not be a part of your life. That other, for whatever reason, is uncomfortable with the person or situation. Why would you want to subject that person to it if you cared about her and had any respect for her feelings and opinions? To tell her that you WILL see and will be friends with whomever you damned well please just reaffirms to the girl that she really doesn't matter and that you're choosing your ex over her. And, maybe you're giving her the signal (even unintentionally) that, in fact, she DOESN'T mean all that much to you. In light of that, of course she's insecure.

Sorry, but that's the non-rational female perspective right there. Just because a g/f tells me that she doesn't like one of my friend, automatically not dropping this person as a friend does not mean I don't care about your feelings. Let's say that my g/f doesn't have a reason to not like one of my friends. Should I just ditch my friend for no good reason but my g/f not liking him, that's stupid. And first it starts with not liking my friends, then video games, then personal habits; any guy that succumbs to the first ultimatum is royally screwed on down the road and needs to grow a pair of ++lls. You don't like me for who I am and who my friends are, then nobody's holding a gun to your heading telling you to stay.

 

[Radagaster]

No dissing on wetanut! She's a seasoned veteran compared to all you young whippersnappers in here.

But, if I may point out some of my thoughts.

I too have had ex-gfs crop up in my life. I'm cool with them. But, out of respect for the person I'm with now, I don't rub it in her face that I'm on good terms with my ex. I first need to show that my current one IS the one I want to be with. I know that if the roles were reversed, I wouldn't want her ex to surface and feel like he's becoming front and center over me. When that happens -- I'll tell her to let me know when she feels like putting me back to her front and center.

 

[TOE]

communication and trust.



That is all I will say

 

[Darth Caedus]

Mean no disrespect to anybody on the boards, that's just how I feel about the subject.

 

[King Darkness]

I have to many ex's to remember and all but 1 of them hate me

So in my personal experience I say no.

 

[Ryanfromindiana]

I have to many ex's to remember and all but 1 of them hate me

So in my personal experience I say no.

 

[Batty]

I have to many ex's to remember and all but 1 of them hate me

So in my personal experience I say no.

That's right, King. I'll never hate you.

 

[King Darkness]

That's right, King. I'll never hate you.

Thanks batty....

 

[Wetanut]

Sorry, but that's the non-rational female perspective right there. Just because a g/f tells me that she doesn't like one of my friend, automatically not dropping this person as a friend does not mean I don't care about your feelings. Let's say that my g/f doesn't have a reason to not like one of my friends. Should I just ditch my friend for no good reason but my g/f not liking him, that's stupid. And first it starts with not liking my friends, then video games, then personal habits; any guy that succumbs to the first ultimatum is royally screwed on down the road and needs to grow a pair of ++lls. You don't like me for who I am and who my friends are, then nobody's holding a gun to your heading telling you to stay.

Only non-rational to a non-woman.

"Should I just ditch my friend for no good reason..." Not talking about any friend, but an ex. Really apples and oranges. I would never be fool enough to tell my husband that I didn't want him to be associating with someone he obviously considers a true friend, unless I see him getting engaged in behavior that is illegal, immoral, or unlawful. (In that case, I have an obligation to tell him since it will also, eventually, affect me and my kids.) If I didn't like that person, I would find a way to be civil and accept that he's my husband's friend. But, at the same time, my husband should never expect me to force myself to like him...(sometimes "she can't tell me who will be my friend" = "because he's my friend, she will also become his friend").

Exes are a whole 'nuther ball game. I CAN insist that my significant other not associate with an ex. And he has that same right to insist for me. It's not a matter of jealousy (I don't objectify my spouse as a possession), nor a matter of whether a man's got cojones or is whipped or whatever...it's respect for each other. So if I'm asked not to continue a friendship with an ex, because he asked is a good enough reason.

Radagaster -- that's the nicest and sweetest way of saying "she's old" I've ever heard.